Today will be hard and long and filled with tears and hopefully a little laughter.
In the days since Kai left us we have been surrounded by the love and support of our family and friends. Our house has been packed with food and drink. Candles have been lite and a fire in the fireplace has been keeping the warmth in my heart.
It has been busy. Busy enough to keep me distracted most parts of the day. But it’s the little things that always sneak up on me. My first night home I sat with Ashley planning the next days tasks and I kept thinking ‘ok, so when we go run that errand who will watch Kai?’ It was just instinct the first thought that always runs through my head. Of course as soon as I think it I know I no longer have to worry about Kai, but the thought keeps creeping into all of my plans.
At the end of the night I laid in bed and just sobbed. I spent every night for three weeks sleeping with his hand in mine. My chin resting on his head. Our body’s keeping each other warm. I can not believe I will never feel that again. I can’t believe I will never see him again. I stayed with him a long time after he died, but it was not long enough. It could never be long enough.
Kai was very quiet in the last weeks of his life. He did not laugh or cry or make much noise at all. There was one night at the hospital a few weeks ago where he managed to get himself caught under a pillow and he squawked until I woke up to rescue him. I think that was the last time I heard him make any noise until the moans he let out the day he died.
Yesterday I heard fantom cries. I have heard them before when Kai was here. I would race to his room and stand quietly outside his door, and then nothing… This time I didn’t jump or race to his room, I knew they were phantom, but I heard it. I wanted to hear it. This house has been bustling since I have been home but the sounds of my life before are missing. I long to hear the voices of Kai’s therapists and caregivers and his little laugh when he sees them. Kai’s little call telling me he needs me and its time to wake up. I almost even miss the beeps and alarms of his feeding pump and IV calling me in the night. As annoying as it was, I would go in and fix the beeping and give Kai an extra kiss and touch his face. It was like an alarm telling me to take an extra minute to just stop and stair at him and I did, every time.
The noise and words of everyone tonight is already filling my head. I stayed up late finally reading the hundreds of comments on the blog.
I want to thank you all for caring so much for us. I read every word and I will cherish those words forever. Seeing how far Kai’s spirit has reached, tens of thousands of people in over 10 countries, it just takes my breath away! It just makes it a tiny bit ok. So thank you for reading and listening an sharing and commenting.
Knowing Kai has touched this world in such a way makes me one proud momma.
I don’t know how I will get through today, facing all of the amazing people that have made this journey a positive one despite the devastating heartache…this will be hard. But I am ready. Kai is gone, we are all still here and together we can carry on his legacy, his smile, his spirit.