Today is graduation!
When I first looked into going back to school, when Kai was alive, a 13 month massage therapy program seemed totally doable. I wanted to help people. I wanted to help kids like Kai and Kai made me believe for the first time in my life that I could do anything. I was determined to live life different. I was a dragon mom.
“He was totally helpless. That makes me want to live a big life because he never got to make any decisions on his own.” –Emily Rapp (dragon mom), The Still Point of the Turning World
Starting school 13 months ago, 10 weeks after Kai’s death, everything seemed utterly impossible. For ten weeks I had been living in my own little bubble. I frequented the places where Kai and I went. I talked only to people who knew him. I spent my days trying to connect to the world again by helping other families through Kai’s Village. I spent my nights reluctantly trying to embrace the emptiness that had surrounded me. Sitting in class that first day changed all of that. No one in that room knew I was a dragon mom or a wife or nurse or therapist. No one knew my baby boy had just died and I ached to tell them, to tell everyone.
The past 13 months and 10 weeks have been some of the most challenging, confusing, inspiring and sad times of my life.
Everyday has been a struggle in one way or another. The coursework was much more intensive than I and anticipated. My days shifted from event planning, hospital visits emails and phone calls for Kai’s Village, to days of locking myself in an empty room trying to memorize muscles and bones. I stopped writing. The quiet was gone. I felt fragmented, scattered and shattered into a million pieces. The more I tried to embrace this chaotic life I had created for myself the more distant I felt from the rest of the world. School was taking over my life; a welcome distraction, sometimes, but at other times I was resentful. I didn’t have a moment to breath. A moment to grieve.
I think I tried to quit school 3 times in the first 6 months. The second half of our program everything changed. Somewhere along the way I began to breath again. I began connecting with people who did not know Kai and it started to feel ok. I made friends and found focus and drive for the work I was doing. We started clinic and internship and through that new and amazing people were coming into my life every day. People I shared and connected with. People who helped remind me why I chose this path. People I was able to help. I was slowly beginning to building life after Kai.
So hear I am 13 months and 10 weeks later about to graduate. About to start work in a pediatric hospital massage program, helping kids like Kai. Ready to create a new kind of (organized) chaos that allows room for quiet times and writing, meeting new people and reconnecting with all of my amazing friends and family who have stuck by me this year as I disappeared into the darkness.
I will be walking into that room today connecting my worlds. I am excited to introduce my new friends to the people who have stood by me forever. I am thankful that these people, who were once strangers, have come to know me as a dragon mom, Kai’s mom, a caregiver. They have come to know Kai through my stories and sadness and drive. These people who were once strangers grew to be the one who held me up on some of my darkest day. 13 months and 10 weeks ago I never thought any of this would be possible.
I can not thank you all enough, family and friends, old and new, for standing by my side no matter how much I have tried to push you all away. Thank you for supporting me, for getting to know me, for listening to me. Thank you for believing in me when I couldn’t.
I am excited for what’s ahead in a way I did not think was possible a year ago.
“The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something. Don’t wait for good things to happen to you.
If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope, you will fill yourself with hope.”
― Barack Obama
Keikikai 
Congratulations. I hope you love your new job. They are very lucky to have you.
Best, Alice Duddy
Alice I would still love to come and shadow you at work some time. You are an amazing wealth of knowledge, a beautiful healer and one of my biggest inspirations for going into this field. I will be in touch soon! xox
Congratulations! You and Kai are never far from my thoughts. Sending hugs.
Beautiful. So proud of you! I cannot even begin to understand how these months have been for you, but you are an inspiration. You are leaving a dignified stamp everywhere you go. Kai will always be with you along the way… Smiling down on his strong mama. ❤️
Kai would be so very proud of you! Sending you hugs and love and best wishes on this journey. ❤
What you wrote is so inspiring. You have turned tears to hope. I wish you the best and Kai is clapping in heaven for you.
So proud of you, you are amazing!! You & Kai continue to inspire people every day, I’m so happy you could inspire yourself as well!!! We love, love, love you!
Congratulations and as always, thank you for sharing. Your story still inspires me to be the best mom I possibly can and for that Kai will never be forgotten.
Congratulations. I have been wondering what you’ve been up to now I know. Kai will continue to live through you and your devotion to creating a healing place. Best wishes.
Kerri,
I met you at the Bancroft School of Massage when one evening you stopped by to find out more about meditation and I gave you some information about meditation.
We were destined to meet, and that meeting altered my life. You told me about Kai, and I learnt about Notre Dame Hospice, where I am now a volunteer.
I learnt about Kai’s Village and all the good work you are doing to help others
Congratulations upon graduating from the massage therapy program. I am so happy for you. I admire you for everything you are doing. Kai’s life was an event you were blessed to experience. A life altering event that made your talents and innate goodness blossom. Gave you an opportunity to help others in need. And to inspire people to follow your lead and transform their latent altruism into noble and charitable actions and deeds.
Life has its own plans. We just found out that my adult son has cancer of the stomach. He had his 3rd chemo this week. He will have surgery at Slaon Ket
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Just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers! Your message was beautiful.
Congratulations on your graduation! What a wonderful gift you will give those kids. A wonderful way to integrate your love and loss of Kai into your life. Peace and light.
Kim
What a wonderful moment for you! This will be the start of a new life. A life full of love, hope and giving. You have been such an inspiration to so many and yet you still give and never take. I hope that with this new adventure you will be able to continue giving your strength and love to those that are in need. But I also hope that you receive strength and love from others.
God Bless,
Kelly
Congratulations Kerri! So happy for you. Think of you and Kai all the time. Glad to hear you are doing well! You are such an inspiration & one of the strongest woman I know. Praying for you and I know you will help so many others out there, stay strong and keep up the amazing work! Such a beautiful post.
This is amazing – many congratulations on such a huge accomplishment! Kai showed you how strong and capable you are, and you do his memory honour by carrying on to help other kids. Well done!
So happy you’ve achieved this. Kai will always be with you, smiling at your accomplishments. Somehow I am sure of it.
I’m so proud of you girl!! You are in my thoughts and prayers:-) Kai will never be forgotten and he looks down on you smiling every day!! Good luck on this new venture in your life…Dawn
I am so pleased and proud of you Kerri. Congratulations! You’ve come such a long way and your strength and determination to help people are so inspiring.
Kerri, such beautiful words. What an inspiration. You have found the most perfect outlet and you are helping to heal so many kids while spreading Kai’s light and love. Your healing touch will warm hearts and souls, helping those kids to feel better, just as important as any medication. I’m so proud of you and this new focus in your life is helping so many- as you are always doing. Hugs mama xoxo
Oops, forgot to write my name- didn’t mean to post as anonymous just now.
xoxo mama!!!