This last month has been really hard on me. I had the longest stretch of the hardest days that I have experienced since Kai died. I’m not exactly sure why, but I have been told that many parents find month 4 to be especially difficult. The numbness starts to fade and the pain really sinks in. Life is going on around you and it all becomes more real. He is not coming back. This is my life now…
A lot has happened this month adding to my eventual mini breakdown.
My 31st birthday was at the end of March and as much as I tried to ignore it there was no denying the facts: I am now 31 in a failing marriage and my baby is dead. I have no income. Not exactly where I thought I’d be at 31 and certainly not much to celebrate. I held it together for a few weeks, but as soon as the weather started to change-as soon as a few things started going right in my life, I began to fall apart.
I remember feeling so thankful that it was winter when Kai died. It felt fitting and comforting to have the world around me as cold and lifeless as I felt. I was thankful to hide behind the snowstorms and sweaters, allowing the cold air to temporarily freeze my heart and my brain. It was a long, numbing winter and that was good.
But by the end of March, like most new englanders I was becoming restless- ready for spring.
It started off slow, as it always does. The days started to get a little longer and the sun started feeling a little warmer. We had a few of those early spring days where we could open the windows and air the house out. Days where it was enjoyable to walk the dog again! It was nice driving around with sunglasses on and the windows rolled down, smelling the fresh air…and for a moment I felt good. I felt hopeful and ready for the things to come.
I came home from school that day and walked into Kai’s room without a second thought to open the sliding glass door… and then it hit me.
The fresh air the warm bright sun it all brought me right back to those summer days, not so long ago, where I would put Kai down for a nap and open the slider to let the air in for him. Let him hear the leaves rustling and the birds chirping. I would sit there in his room, out of his sight, wondering if he felt the breeze. Wondering if he could see the light flickering on the ceiling as his dark brown curtains blew gently in the wind. I would sit there taking in the summer air listening to him breath, wondering if he would ever enjoy the simple things in life. Wondering if he would ever be healthy and happy.
And now here I was alone, standing there in the sunny doorway and all I wanted was to hear him breath again. I felt so ready for spring just a few days before but now standing in his room it was hard to open that door, to let the light in.
I would give anything to go back to the numbness of winter, but the flood gates of spring have opened and it took me a few weeks to put myself back together.
I spent a good amount of time on the couch. I couldn’t sleep but I couldn’t do much of anything but just sit there. I cried a lot. I worried a lot. I felt sorry for myself and my life. I felt scared that I would never to enjoy the beauties of the world again.
As they say, things tend to get worse before they get better. I tend to think they are right.
Last week Mark and I filled for divorce.
It has been a long time coming. It is something we both tried to avoid, but after Kai neither of us have much fight left in us. It was time. We had prepared. We filled out papers and got things notarized and split our accounts, and I felt ready. I went down to the courthouse alone and submitted our paperwork. It was easy. Took about 20 minutes. No one asked any questions. It was just paperwork.
I left the courthouse, turned the corner and cried the whole way back to my car. After all we have been through the past few years I wasn’t expecting to have such a reaction to this at this point, but it hurt. It was hard and scary and really really sad.
On my way home from the courthouse I got a call from Dana Farber, Kai’s autopsy report was ready.
I called back and scheduled the appointment. I called out of school the next day and curled back up on the couch for another week….
{the view from Kai’s room}
Keikikai 
Oh, Kerri. I’m so sorry. ((hugs)). It’s true, the middle of that first year is quite possibly the worst, as you say, the numbness wears off and the pain is raw. Triggers are everywhere.
If you ever want to touch base about the divorce after the loss of a child, I can certainly lend an ear, as a similar story played out in my life.
Keep writing. You are amazing. You are surrounded by love and light and Kai is leading you to exactly where you need to be. I know that doesn’t make sense right now, but let his love and light guide you.
Peace and light,
Kim
😦 I am so sorry that you have to experience this. I wish I could offer more but at the very least, please know you’re in my thoughts and prayers.
I have been through a divorce that was somewhat civil and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was not my darkest time, but certainly my most unstable. I can’t even imagine doing this while mourning the loss of my child. I give you so much credit for continuing to see the light, for going to school, for continuing to breathe…. ((((((HUGS))))))) and so much love to you, Keri. You will be okay. The world is a better place because you are in it.
No one should have to end their marriage and receive an autopsy report on the same day. Praying for you during this time. It will get better, and Kai’s spirit will always be with you. But right now, as one of my friends says, it’s okay if it’s not okay.
My precious granddaughter we, your family, surround you with love. xoxo
Barbara…After I read today’s post from Kai’s mom I was feeling shaky. Then I read your note and just lost it. As a grandmother myself, I understand that you also are grieving for Kai. A loss such is this has a devastating impact on the entire family. Please accept my sympathy as I pray for God to give all of you the strength you need at this time.
Your doing great with what you have to go through I for one could not even imagine going through what you are your here and your getting stronger everyday that you deal with this even though it doesn’t seem like it to you. We are all here for you anytime any day that you need. Keep doing what your doing it gets worse before it’s better is the truest saying that is around.
Oh, Kerri, you don’t know me at all. But how I wish to surround you with love and with light. I cry tears for you, my heart aches, I send prayers and many hugs. It doesn’t make it better, but just know so many love you. Thoughts of you and your sweet little Kai are always with me.
I often think about you and Kai. I did not know him in person but he touched me in so many ways. I miss seeing his updates so I can only imagine the pain you must be in. Kerri you are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray you somehow find comfort and peace.
I’m so so sorry for you….i hoped the last weeks to hear good or better news…but that oh my…it hurts. You are in my thoughts every day. I’ll never forget Kai. Sending you love and many hugs from Germany. Stay strong and keep writing…we are all here for you! Nicole
Dearest Kerri –
I cannot even begin to understand any of what you are going through. But you and Kai are in my heart and in my thoughts. Sending you love, hugs and peaceful thoughts.
MP
Kerri, I am so sorry to hear about your marriage. What you two endured is especially challenging to a marriage but I believe it will bring a new beginning for you. Kerri, I once told you that I had to sit in a hospital office waiting to find out if what my doctor found was breast cancer. I told you I was terrified but what got me through was thoughts of your little boy. Thinking of Kai didn’t make me feel like I was going to be all right but rather that whatever happened I could handle it, just as he had. His strength was my strength and I thank him for that every day. I have said it several times…small body with an enormous soul. Lean on Kai’s strength. He will not let you down. Whatever you have to face will be faced with him right by your side. I strongly believe that. With his love there is nothing you can’t do. Sending unending love.
Jen
You don’t know me, but I think about you and precious little Kai often. I’m so sorry to hear about your marriage. Wishing I could do something to ease your pain somehow. Just so sorry.
What a lovely picture you painted of sweet Kai napping in the summer breeze. I can only imagine your sadness and pain. Hugs.
Kerry so sorry for the hurt and pain you have suffered.Brighter days are waiting for you. Kai is still with you and will live in your heart forever. Praying for your peace.
Tracy
Kerri,
Sending you lots of hugs & love. I would love to offer you some Reiki & massage when you have a chance. What you are feeling is completely natural – you are not alone.
Much love,
Heather
https://www.google.com/search?q=footprints+in+the+sand&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en&client=safari#biv=i%7C0%3Bd%7CMcykjfO8Zj0BwM%3A
Please know you are not alone! Prayer and love surround you !
So sorry Kerri. Praying that it only goes up from here.
Missy, Abby’s mom
((((Hugs))))
Our dear, sweet Kerri,
My heart aches for you and all you have endured. It is unfair that one person should have to endure so many losses at one time. Kai has touched SO many lives and in so many ways. And now you will continue to do his work, through Kai’s Village and through the ways that your hands will heal others through massage. Know that you are being loved and embraced by many friends and family members. We have learned so much from your raw honesty, your strength, and your compassion. xxxxoooo Barbara
I am so sorry, Kerri. I can’t imagine the pain you have felt since Kai’s passing, and I am so sorry to hear that things continue to be so difficult. I admire your strength, and can only hope for peace for you soon. (((HUGS)))
I’m sorry to hear that things have been, well for lack of a better word, rough. I wish I had words or insight wisdom to make things better. Could be things are progressing for you, just at a pace so slow your not even aware. Thanks for sharing, Tracy
Thank you for continuing to share with us your story. You are probably the bravest person I know (and a beautiful writer and soul). I have often heard of marriages faltering after the death of a child. I hope the strength of all who support you get you through to the other side…if you ever need anything. My thoughts are always with you.
I’ve been worrying about you since you hadn’t written in a bit. I completely understand how difficult things are and so please know that isn’t a complaint at all. My children and I think of and pray for you and Kai often. Please keep reaching out by writing when you feel you can, so that we can all remind you that we are here, and that we care so very much.
Kerri, no words, no matter how kind and well-meaning, can do justice to what you have been through and are still going through! You don’t know me but I have been following your journey and you have inspired and changed me! I send you heartfelt comforting thoughts and hugs! You have already proven how strong you can be and I know you will come through this challenge with the same grace and insight as you have those before. It’s okay to need the couch sometimes. You are only human. But never forget how surrounded with love you are, especially when days seem the darkest.
{hugs}
Regan from Worcester
Sending love and hugs..
Oh, I’m so sorry for the extra pain. It has sounded like you have been shouldering your burden pretty much solo for a while, now, though. Not solo–there is lots of community support–but not with a partner. I’m sorry.
Just wanted to leave some love and hope tonight. Eva died in August but the shock didn’t wear off until winter and then I loved the cold desolateness of winter. When the snow melted and everyone expected me to be happy that first spring I wept and wept and wept. Why should I be glad or care that the day is sunny. Now as the second spring without Eva is here I find it easier to breathe through each day. The days, miraculously, have gotten easier. The spring is not so painful. I’m so sorry about the extra burden and stress you’re also going through. But I know that everything pales to the loss of Kai.
Sending you light and hope.
Em
Hi Kerri-This is the third time I’ve read this post. It puts life into perspective for me- when I start to worry or get upset about the “stressful” things in everyday life I think of you and your little boy. I look at my little boy he is three months tomorrow- and I think of Kai. Life is precious and the health of our family is all that matters at the end of the day. Someone posted your blog on facebook and I started to follow it about a year ago. It really opened my eyes as to all of the risks we take by becoming moms, the risks no one tells you about when you are trying to conceive and expect that everything will be a happy ending. I hope you are able to heal soon- in some way. Sending love- Emily McNally
a very beautiful, very sad post.
The lucky ones among us become whole and heal from the wounds of our childhood by creating a family of our own.
You were one of the lucky ones, your own little family shone brightly. please believe me that the pain you are feeling now only reflects the beauty of what the three of you were.
you may feel like you can never be whole again, that you can never heal. but you’ve been whole and healed, and please don’t give up hope that it will happen again. you know that you have all it takes in you, you have an extraordinary capacity of love. from what you write i can always feel it is there, and love is all it takes to become whole and heal.
i hurt with you
Elsa
Kerri, you and Kai are never far from my thoughts. Your strength continues to amaze me.
I started reading your blog yesterday…I’m sure no words can heal the pain you’ve gone through. Reading your blog, I was waiting for the divorce to be announced. I could tell you were on a journey almost alone. As you continue your journey ‘alone’ please know that you have all these readers who want you to never feel ‘alone.’ I’m grateful for the friends you have who cocoon you with love. Ashley et al are the friends we wish we could be if we lived nearer to you. The type of friends we hope to be if our friends ever needs love and empathy as much as you have needed it. As you continue a journey with more ‘loss’-I’m sure on your wedding day you never imagined losing your marriage nor a child-may you be held warm in the knowledge that you are not alone. Your friends and readers have you in their hearts.
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