This last month has been really hard on me. I had the longest stretch of the hardest days that I have experienced since Kai died. I’m not exactly sure why, but I have been told that many parents find month 4 to be especially difficult. The numbness starts to fade and the pain really sinks in. Life is going on around you and it all becomes more real. He is not coming back. This is my life now…
A lot has happened this month adding to my eventual mini breakdown.
My 31st birthday was at the end of March and as much as I tried to ignore it there was no denying the facts: I am now 31 in a failing marriage and my baby is dead. I have no income. Not exactly where I thought I’d be at 31 and certainly not much to celebrate. I held it together for a few weeks, but as soon as the weather started to change-as soon as a few things started going right in my life, I began to fall apart.
I remember feeling so thankful that it was winter when Kai died. It felt fitting and comforting to have the world around me as cold and lifeless as I felt. I was thankful to hide behind the snowstorms and sweaters, allowing the cold air to temporarily freeze my heart and my brain. It was a long, numbing winter and that was good.
But by the end of March, like most new englanders I was becoming restless- ready for spring.
It started off slow, as it always does. The days started to get a little longer and the sun started feeling a little warmer. We had a few of those early spring days where we could open the windows and air the house out. Days where it was enjoyable to walk the dog again! It was nice driving around with sunglasses on and the windows rolled down, smelling the fresh air…and for a moment I felt good. I felt hopeful and ready for the things to come.
I came home from school that day and walked into Kai’s room without a second thought to open the sliding glass door… and then it hit me.
The fresh air the warm bright sun it all brought me right back to those summer days, not so long ago, where I would put Kai down for a nap and open the slider to let the air in for him. Let him hear the leaves rustling and the birds chirping. I would sit there in his room, out of his sight, wondering if he felt the breeze. Wondering if he could see the light flickering on the ceiling as his dark brown curtains blew gently in the wind. I would sit there taking in the summer air listening to him breath, wondering if he would ever enjoy the simple things in life. Wondering if he would ever be healthy and happy.
And now here I was alone, standing there in the sunny doorway and all I wanted was to hear him breath again. I felt so ready for spring just a few days before but now standing in his room it was hard to open that door, to let the light in.
I would give anything to go back to the numbness of winter, but the flood gates of spring have opened and it took me a few weeks to put myself back together.
I spent a good amount of time on the couch. I couldn’t sleep but I couldn’t do much of anything but just sit there. I cried a lot. I worried a lot. I felt sorry for myself and my life. I felt scared that I would never to enjoy the beauties of the world again.
As they say, things tend to get worse before they get better. I tend to think they are right.
Last week Mark and I filled for divorce.
It has been a long time coming. It is something we both tried to avoid, but after Kai neither of us have much fight left in us. It was time. We had prepared. We filled out papers and got things notarized and split our accounts, and I felt ready. I went down to the courthouse alone and submitted our paperwork. It was easy. Took about 20 minutes. No one asked any questions. It was just paperwork.
I left the courthouse, turned the corner and cried the whole way back to my car. After all we have been through the past few years I wasn’t expecting to have such a reaction to this at this point, but it hurt. It was hard and scary and really really sad.
On my way home from the courthouse I got a call from Dana Farber, Kai’s autopsy report was ready.
I called back and scheduled the appointment. I called out of school the next day and curled back up on the couch for another week….