Today was kind of a numb day. I have been keeping myself so busy lately but I realized today that I have not been doing any ‘real life’ normal things. Iv been running around doing a bunch of nothing. Going to places I don’t normally go. Buying things I don’t really need. Seeing people I haven’t visited with in months. Avoiding i guess. I have not gone grocery shopping or cooked a meal since coming home. I haven’t even done laundry and it’s been over two weeks…
I spent most of today just sitting around. I worked on a few things but I didn’t get dressed until about 5pm when I decided I better get out of house. Target still beats laundry right???
As I drove down our street I noticed all the Christmas lights for the first time. I know they didn’t go up overnight, they must have been there last night as I drove home but I did not see them until tonight. It felt weird to think I had been driving past them the past few weeks without seeing them. What else have I not been seeing? How do I even get from one place to another?
This week I finally started turning on the music on in the car again. Before this week I just couldn’t. I tried but it didn’t feel right. I could never find the right mood. Every song would either make me too sad, or it was so upbeat that I just wanted to scream.
I also realized today that I don’t think I have looked in my rear view mirror once since coming home without Kai. I guess I’m sure I must have, but I can’t remember doing it. I can’t recall what it is like to look in the rear view mirror and not see Kai. I have taken his wheel chair out of the back, but his car seat and blanket and a few medical supplies are all still back there.
Today while driving to target and noticing the Christmas lights for the first time, I could feel him sitting back there. I could picture him sleeping in his big boy seat, so content. He loved car ride, as long as they weren’t to long. Within minutes he would be happily asleep. He was this way since birth. I think the motion relaxed him. Eased his headache and forced his eyes to close because it was just to much to keep up with. I always used to wonder what it was like for him in the back seat strapped in, unable to really see much of anything. It must be a lot to process when you have low vision and you cant really move your body the way you want to. I think it was easier for Kai to just close his eyes. A few months ago I turned his car seat facing forward. He had been vomiting a lot in the car and his head control was so poor, i could get to him faster if he was facing forward. Since turning him around he seemed to stay awake more in the car. He wasn’t getting car sick as often. He actually seemed to look out the window from time to time. This is how I pictured him today. Awake. Content. Comfortable. Right in the corner of my eye.
Target was hard. A lot harder than I thought it would be, I guess I was avoiding it for good reason. I went into old navy earlier in the week and pretty much had to walk right back out after seeing the kids section. I loved shopping for Kai. He looked good in everything! I can hardly remember the last time I went to target alone. I always had my little Kai Kai with me running errands, which mostly consisted of picking up supplies for him. It was weird to not go to the baby section, this is where we spent most of time shopping before. Picking out which foods I thought he would eat, trying to find cloths that would work with his g-tube, fit over his giant head, be long enough but also small enough around the waste that they wouldn’t off. We did this trip a lot together Kai and I, and I know it’s just Target but it was weird to not have him there. It was weird to not buy baby food or cloths. It was weird to not be pushing his wheel chair and not to have to explain anything to anyone. Without Kai I just walked through target, alone, unnoticed. It was weird to walk amongst the living trying to act like this was all normal, when I was in such a fog.
I left target with some socks, ketchup, and a bag of chips…
The fog I felt in the store followed me the whole ride home. I thought about what a waste that trip was. How qI really got nothing accomplished. How I still can not look in the rear view mirror.
I came home and immediately put my sweats back on.
Maybe I should at least try to do some laundry…