Today was kind of a numb day. I have been keeping myself so busy lately but I realized today that I have not been doing any ‘real life’ normal things. Iv been running around doing a bunch of nothing. Going to places I don’t normally go. Buying things I don’t really need. Seeing people I haven’t visited with in months. Avoiding i guess. I have not gone grocery shopping or cooked a meal since coming home. I haven’t even done laundry and it’s been over two weeks…
I spent most of today just sitting around. I worked on a few things but I didn’t get dressed until about 5pm when I decided I better get out of house. Target still beats laundry right???
As I drove down our street I noticed all the Christmas lights for the first time. I know they didn’t go up overnight, they must have been there last night as I drove home but I did not see them until tonight. It felt weird to think I had been driving past them the past few weeks without seeing them. What else have I not been seeing? How do I even get from one place to another?
This week I finally started turning on the music on in the car again. Before this week I just couldn’t. I tried but it didn’t feel right. I could never find the right mood. Every song would either make me too sad, or it was so upbeat that I just wanted to scream.
I also realized today that I don’t think I have looked in my rear view mirror once since coming home without Kai. I guess I’m sure I must have, but I can’t remember doing it. I can’t recall what it is like to look in the rear view mirror and not see Kai. I have taken his wheel chair out of the back, but his car seat and blanket and a few medical supplies are all still back there.
Today while driving to target and noticing the Christmas lights for the first time, I could feel him sitting back there. I could picture him sleeping in his big boy seat, so content. He loved car ride, as long as they weren’t to long. Within minutes he would be happily asleep. He was this way since birth. I think the motion relaxed him. Eased his headache and forced his eyes to close because it was just to much to keep up with. I always used to wonder what it was like for him in the back seat strapped in, unable to really see much of anything. It must be a lot to process when you have low vision and you cant really move your body the way you want to. I think it was easier for Kai to just close his eyes. A few months ago I turned his car seat facing forward. He had been vomiting a lot in the car and his head control was so poor, i could get to him faster if he was facing forward. Since turning him around he seemed to stay awake more in the car. He wasn’t getting car sick as often. He actually seemed to look out the window from time to time. This is how I pictured him today. Awake. Content. Comfortable. Right in the corner of my eye.
Target was hard. A lot harder than I thought it would be, I guess I was avoiding it for good reason. I went into old navy earlier in the week and pretty much had to walk right back out after seeing the kids section. I loved shopping for Kai. He looked good in everything! I can hardly remember the last time I went to target alone. I always had my little Kai Kai with me running errands, which mostly consisted of picking up supplies for him. It was weird to not go to the baby section, this is where we spent most of time shopping before. Picking out which foods I thought he would eat, trying to find cloths that would work with his g-tube, fit over his giant head, be long enough but also small enough around the waste that they wouldn’t off. We did this trip a lot together Kai and I, and I know it’s just Target but it was weird to not have him there. It was weird to not buy baby food or cloths. It was weird to not be pushing his wheel chair and not to have to explain anything to anyone. Without Kai I just walked through target, alone, unnoticed. It was weird to walk amongst the living trying to act like this was all normal, when I was in such a fog.
I left target with some socks, ketchup, and a bag of chips…
The fog I felt in the store followed me the whole ride home. I thought about what a waste that trip was. How qI really got nothing accomplished. How I still can not look in the rear view mirror.
I came home and immediately put my sweats back on.
Maybe I should at least try to do some laundry…
32 thoughts on “Christmas lights through the fog”
Through the miles and miles that separate us, I am sending many many hugs. As I read your post, I couldn’t help but picture Kai’s smiling face, which is surely smiling down on you.
It’s all going to take time. Kai will alway be with you, there will always be reminders of him, and you may find them at the strangest time. You have a long road ahead of you, I think you know that. It’s ok though, there are no restrictions or rules in grieving. You feel what you feel. Kai is no longer suffering, however you are. Just keep the memories close. I have truly been humbled by reading your journey. You are such an inspiration to so many.
I wanted to share this quote with you Kerri, from one Mommy to another:
” I stand under the golden canopy of thine evening sky and lift my eager eyes to thy face. I have come to the brink of eternity from which nothing can vanish – no hope, no happiness, no vision of a face seen through tears. O, dip my emptied life into that ocean, plunge it into the deepest fullness. Let me for once feel that lost sweet touch in the allness of the universe”. – Rabindaranath Tagore
Sometimes simply getting through the day is accomplishment enough. No judgments, just be. Go easy, lady. We are here for you. Much love…
My heart aches for you. Know that there are folks like me sending good thoughts out there for you…
You’re so great! And I love reading your posts. & we never met!! I believe that Kai was with you in the backseat & he could see the Christmas lights with you. He is in Heaven now & his sight is here again. Maybe you were seeing the lights thru his eyes. Moms & their children have connections & I believe he was with you tonight. Kai is a lucky boy to have had you for a Mommy. God Bless you:) Middleton, ma
I DO BELIEVE KAI WAS THERE LETTING YOU KNOW ITS OK ,I AM RUNNING PLAY AND MOST OF ALL I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS !AND HE WILL BE IN EVERY LITTLE THING HE IS WITH AND TRYING TO HELP YOU JUST LIKE YOU TOOK SUCH GREAT CARE OF HIM ! I DO BELIEVE KAI IS AN ANGEL AND HE WILL VISIT YOU OFTEN HE I PRAYLOVE YOU SO MUCH SO PLEASE JUST TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME AND YOU WILL SEE EVERYTHING WITH THE HELP OF KAI WILL FALL INTO PLACE ! LOVE U GUYS AND I
THINK OF KAI EVERYDAY AND I AM SO BLESSED TO HAVE FOUND YOU AND KAI ! I PRAY FOR PEACE ❤
I agree with all the rest. Getting out of bed and getting dressed is an accomplishment. Blogging your feelings is an accomplishment. It is enough. You are already demonstrating amazing strength. Go easy on yourself.
The only rule book in your life is your rule book!!! Do things when your ready to, take things in, go through the motions, just be as you want to! Fog or not, you accomplished the little tasks, which the little tasks are sometimes the hardest. Feeling Kais presence is him letting you know that it’s ok, he’s there always , for the big and little tasks he won’t let you go!!
The beginning of healing is so hard. You have a gaping wound in your heart that reopens a little with every memory of your son. It makes it difficult to just breath at times, let alone the laundry or shopping. Your trip to Target was not wasted. You have many “first time without Kai” experiences to get through and you are doing amazing. Amazing, Kerri. You’ll look in the rear view mirror when you’re ready.
Just know that each day will bring a bit more strength and healing, and a little less pain.
Love & Prayers
I wake every morning hoping that I when I sign into my e-mail…there will be a message from KeikiKai. I do not know you…nor you me, but through your powerful words and thoughts, I am so lucky to have a special place in my heart for your beautiful baby boy and of course, for you. I cannot understand the pain and loss that you have experienced but I do FEEL the most empathy that my body has ever allowed. You have given SO MANY the gift of KAI…and each and everyday…I will think of him, of you, and for so many other children and families who are fighting the most unfair fight ever. Love to you, love to Kai.
Thinking of Kerri -xoxoxoxoxox
Kai lives on in many hearts, He brought all of us to you so maybe in some way you would know that you are never alone. And don’t look in the rearview mirror, look to the Heavens, that is where Kai is now. He is so proud of you! ❤
You dear sweet thing – give yourself some time! You are going through the most difficult thing a mom could ever go through. Grief looks and feels different for everyone. You will come to a “new normal” in time. You will never see, look, smell, taste or hear things the way you did before your loss. You are a different person..you lost the most precious thing a mother could ever lose…so please, give yourself some grace and surround yourself with people in your life who give you grace and a wide, wide road to grieve in your own way! Bless you sweet thing!
Thank you for continuing to blog, even though I’ve never met your sweet little man or you, I feel a loss as I’ve been following your journey and reading your grieving process helps others to grieve with you and to know how to pray for you. Prayers coming your way, you are so amazing!!!!
One day at a time. You are doing just fine. Go slow. Be patient with yourself. That fog will clear a little more each day. You are lost, and it’s ok to take your time finding yourself again.
Nicely stated. Kerri, you accomplished plenty. And you’re still losing little pieces–when you look in the rearview mirror, it’ll be another loss. Continuing to get up and face those continuing losses (Old Navy without Kai, Target without Kai) is accomplishing a lot in itself. I’m so sorry.
Kerri, like everyone else so eloquently put it, one day at a time. One moment at a time. You were with Kai every step of the way. Now it is his turn to help and guide you through. In time your eyes will see again. In time you will find your place and I believe Kai will be right by your side through it all. You are a surviver. This is all part of your healing. I’t Ok. I’t Ok not to be with the living, it’s Ok to want to stay home. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. You are beautiful!!
I do not know you, Kerri, but I think of you and your little Kai so often. I wish I knew you both just so that I could give you a hug and let you know that I am here for you. Kai was such a blessing and he will be with you forever. You will forever be his mama. Kai will always amaze you and his love will always surround you. Sending you prayers and hugs.
There are some good, strong, wise words written above, in your own hand and in others’. It will take time for the pain to stop being so acute. You are in possibly the darkest time of your life right now, be patient with yourself. At these times I have simply wished I could go to sleep and wake up in 6, 9, 12 months so I could avoid this pain. There’s nothing for it except to experience it, one day at a time. There’s no shame in avoiding laundry and staying in your sweats. Nor is there anything wrong with “avoiding” in the ways you have mentioned, DO keep busy. If you were not blogging, talking to people about Kai, and so on, you would be truly avoiding. You must find your new life, one as an Angel Mom, and that involves doing other, new things. You are doing okay. You are okay.
You don’t have to do these things alone. Kai IS with you, you just don’t have to buy things for him now. And do think about bringing someone with you when you go to Target. It can be so comforting to be able to squeeze someone’s hand when you see something triggering or saddening. You haven’t truly been alone in a couple of years. I wouldn’t think now is the time to start. Maybe that’s contradictory to other advice you get, or what you want, but it hurts me to think of you being alone.
Tell the Christmas lights and the holidays to go screw themselves if it makes you feel better. The holidays are supposed to be about joy, and I hope they do give you some, but it’s okay to feel numb. I’m having a hard time myself dealing with them having Kai’s story in my heart. We don’t know each other (a friend of a friend) but please believe me when I say you have made an impact on my life with your continuing story. I’ve had tough times and right now I’m actually doing pretty well. I think about that and consider that I wish I could share some of my own happiness with you to lessen the pain.
You are not alone. xoxoxoxo
Holding you close in prayer, Kerri! You are doing the best you can and that’s all you can ask of yourself. Sending you love…
Kerri…thank you for continuing to put your thoughts on line…..I check every day to see if you have posted something……just know there is a whole world out there waiting to hear from you and yur beloved thoughts of Kai….he will always live on through you…..we all walk with you Kerri….you are so strong and not alone
I do not see your trip to Target as a waste at all. I bet Kai was with you at that moment being at a place he loved to be with his mom. -E.C.
I know we have never met but I have been following your story on Facebook. I have no words to ease your pain but I felt as though somehow I should reach out to you. I am praying for you on a daily basis and know Kei’s memory will be forever on this earth because if the wonderful Mommy that you are!
God bless you and please keep sending your emails. You see your story has stirred my soul such that I am looking to volunteer in some way with families facing childhood cancer.
Deepest sympathies~ Amy
Sent from my iPhone
I think of you and Kai every day. I pray for you every day, too, with my students. I shared your story with them, and now all 80 of them hold you in prayer each day.
This time of year must be especially difficult to bear. Just know you’re not alone. Kai is with you always.
Think of your Village. We’re all thinking of you, and sending you love.
We have never met but I have grown to love you and your words. Your love for Kai and the profound loss you have suffered are now part of who I am and what I feel for the loved ones in my life. You are connected to a great number of us who are so blessed to share this journey with you. We are sending prayers and loving thoughts your way.
When you lose someone it can be so hard to start to do the every day normal tasks because it somehow highlights their being gone more and makes it hurt even worse somehow. It can be easier to just stay home and do your best to hide from normal life. It can hurt so much to pretend everything is ok when its not. So you should be proud of yourself for pushing yourself to go to target etc. time will make the normal tasks less painful and more normal again. My thoughts and hugs are with you.
Thinking of you and your sweet Kai each and every day. Hoping you can feel my love embracing you.
Thinkng of sweet Kai every single day. I pray you are finding peace and comfort knowing he is no longer in any pain but playing and smiling in heaven watching over you. God bless you all
I hope you are okay, wishing your family all the best during this difficult time.
IT HARD I KNOW ESPECIALLY THIS TIME OF YEAR ,I HOPE U CAN FIND A WAY TO COPE WITH THIS AND FIND PEACE .U R A GREAT MOM AND AND A VERY CARING PERSON AND I PRAY THINGS WILL GET EASIER FOR U AS TIME GOES BY. I KNOW KAI IS WANTING U TO BE HAPPY AND HE IS WATCHING U AND IS THERE WITH U AND LOVES U VERY MUCH ! GOD BLESS U ❤