Well I managed to get out of bed today.
The hospital was quiet but it wasn’t as weird as I thought to be here on thanksgiving. It was kind of special in a way, walking the halls smiling in at other families, feeling with just one glance that we are somehow all in this together. I get it, you get it, it is what it is. We will eat turkey and pie and pretend that this is all okay then tomorrow will come and it will be over until next year.
And next year will be different.
I hate to think that anyone else here is in our same position, nearing the end, but it would be naive to believe otherwise. Other parents will loose their children this year. This happens. We will all have to face the holidays next year and it will be different. There are families who faced today without their babies for the first time. This happens. Babies die. Kids get cancer, brain tumors… Life is fragile and not fair.
I though of those families a lot today. The ones i know and all the ones I never will. As much as I know it is true, right now its hard to believe we are not the only ones going through this.
After dragging myself out of bed and actually taking a shower I put on jeans and mascara and lead our entourage down to the cafeteria for the Turkey dinner.
It was a nice meal. The food was good, the company was great and it was nice to get Kai out of the room. I carried him in my arms the whole way down and then I set him up in his little wagon for a nap. He slept the entire time. It was hard to see him just laying there, but in some small way it was also nice to see him next to the other kids. People would stop and look at him as he slept peacefully among the crowd. Laying there sound asleep you could hardly tell there was anything wrong. He had no tubes or wires, he was wearing his regular clothes. The people walking by would smile at him and that made me smile.
Tonight i want to tell you all the things we are thankful for, but as we lay here next to Kai all I can think is how weak he is…listening to crackly labored breath. I want so badly to be thankful for our time today, but as much as I cherish every kiss, I can feel that he is not really with us anymore. His eyes are lost, resting somewhere else in the universe. His body is limp and weak and dry. When he dose open his eyes he no longer sees me and I can hardly see him.
Right now his breath is shallow and fast. I can see his little heart and lungs working so hard to keep his blood flowing.
My heart is racing trying desperately to breath for him.